Most, if not all paramedics use the word “Acopia” or “Acopic” to describe people who can’t cope with life, the universe or the cat poo sitting in the middle of the lounge room. For example, “Geez that person was Acopic”.

Apparently, even though the word is great and perfectly descriptive, acopia isn’t a real word. What! Although Wikipedia has it listed. Take that real dictionaries!

Anyhoo, here is the AzureBlues guide to conquering your acopia. And if you’re not sure if you’re a sufferer we’ll start off with a few key signs (I think I’ve worn out the apostrophe button after that sentence) in a vaguely Dave Lettermanish style.

1. Your house stinks of stale food and strange fungus.
2. Your carpet moves by itself.
3. There’s cat poo in your living room that’s older than your 18 month old child.
4. You hand paramedics your health care card before you’ve even told them why they’re needed.
5. You’ve called the ambulance because you couldn’t move the Range Rover to get to your Mercedes.
6. You call ambulances because you’ve run out of smokes.
7. You think the ambulance will get your ingrown toenail seen quicker if the ambulance takes you to hospital.
8. You use pizza boxes as furniture.
9. You call an ambulance for something small yet there are 4 cars in the driveway and plenty of people around to drive one for you.
10. Did I mention the cat poo?

So how can one rid themselves of the label “Acopic”?

It’s all simplicity incorporated:

1. Buy and use a vacuum. A weekly vacuum around your place will take 20 minutes. You may get fitter, and your kid will be less grey after crawling along the floor.
2. Wash your dishes once a day. That way you won’t have to by pizza all the time because of a lack of clean plates.
3. Chocolate and cigarettes are not a food group. Fruit, vegies (not chips), and lean meats are good for you. Eat these and less of the others and you’ll be able to think straight.
4. If you can’t see your toes, cut down on the food and go for a walk. It’ll hold off the diabetes, strokes and heart attacks. This is good.
5. Remember that emergency ambulances are for emergencies. Minor cuts, bruises, bad hair days, lack of ciggies, and ingrown toenails don’t need ambulances. Call a friend and ask them to take you to the local Dr.
6. Change the sheets on your bed. Strange stains on the sheets aren’t imperfections in the fabric – they’re strange stains.
7. If it smells bad then it probably is. This refers to food, the dog, your car, and you.
8. If the bin’s full, empty it. That way the things that smell bad will smell bad outside your home.
9. That cat poo on the floor is not furniture or an art installation. Toxoplasmosis is bad. Clean it up.
10. Kids are not pets and should not be created to claim pension benefits.

I think that may just about do. If you’ve got any other ideas drop us a line in the comments section.

Cheers.

Complaining about the state of the nation and the world appears to be our national pastime. At least for now.

From the snouts in the trough excess as seen in the recent Pacific Brands white collar pay rises, while the blue collars were left jobless. To looters stealing from those who’ve lost everything. Yes they’re a pack of scumbags.

Then the other night I received a dose of reality. The real side of humanity.

We were called to transport a small child, about 5 years old and his mum to the major children’s hospital in town. He’d had a couple of seizures and needed to get a thorough once over from the neuro specialists.

The boy had cerebral palsy and had experienced seizures before. This time, however, the seizures were more severe and generalised unlike the absence seizures that he’d had before.

They’d been in the emergency department for the last four hours and the boy was in a sedated but restless sleep. Mum looked exhausted but sat watching over her son even though it was 2 am.

She said to me later that she feared that if she closed her eyes he’d be gone. He wasn’t her only son but at the moment he was everything in the world to her.

This is what life is about. The love for one another. The caring. The sharing.

Life has nothing to do with paychecks and Porches. TVs and thievery.

It was all I could do to make her smile.